BlogCat

in which i write random things i've thought about in the day
🡆 Latest Post / Exit





2020–05–31

i obsess so much over writing clean code, to the point of rewriting entire systems just to make them more human-readable. then i see some professional code, made by people who were paid to write it, and its always a complete mess and the comments are filled with excuses and reasons for their code to be crappy, and… they're right. i envy them for not giving a crap, i wish i could just write ugly code too…


2020–06–01

redacted


2020-06-02

i don't think game jams are for me. i think if you're like a dude that gets up everyday to sit in front of the computer and work work work until the day is over, then game jams are exactly the kinda proactive stuff you should be trying to participate in. me, i spend way too much time of my day taking care of my body, my diet, my clothes, meditating, dealing with people, etc. there are only so many hours in a day i guess… i just hadn't realized how much time it takes me to just be a person in the first place. so i won't put myself under that pressure. if i can make the time, i will submit my project, if not, then that's fine too :D

i wanna say this too: the one thing i dislike about social media is the assumption that friendly people have to follow each other to actually be considered "friendly" with one another. i think that taking that kind of invisible social pressure for granted when dealing with people online is an emotional crutch. it might be easy to rely on a system that's already in place, but it's not necessarily healthy or helpful. i think smart people should go about dismantling systems that rely on passive pressure and invisible laws that only make sense in the framework of insecurity and neuroticism. you shouldn't have to rely on social pressure to connect with other people; you should try to build direct connections built on sincerity and straightforwardness, and put more value on historical positive interactions rather than social status check systems like being "followed back."

on a final note, i wanna say that playing around with ESRGAN is incredibly fun. been upscaling my own pixel art, and the results make me feel like i found a kind of "cheat" for entering the traditional art media game without having to actually change my technique in the first place! still don't know what i will be using this for, but i'm excited about the possibilities. TECHNOLOGY IS INCREDIBLE!


2020-06-03

redacted


2020-06-04

yeah i guess in a way this page has gotten super angry very quick haha but it's honestly because i've seen a lot of complete fucking bullshit for the longest time and i've said nothing about it, trying to stay quiet and stay away from all the horrible dumb creepy ridiculous nonsense i've been seeing in the last few years, but eventually you gotta vent this shit somewhere, and this feels like the best place for it, because it's optional, and that means only those who wanna read this will read it.

still tho, eventually i'm gonna run out of crazy nonsense to complain about and this is gonna be more positive, i promise…


2020-06-05

i wrote a long thing here, but i deleted it because i actually acted upon it and now i have something else to say: if you're unsure about something weird, difficult or bad that happened between you and another person a long time ago and you want closure, just reach out. most things in life can be solved, and achieved, by reaching out. don't be afraid of people, they're just clever monkeys with thumbs, just like you… and that's the beauty of humanity if you ask me!

also gosh, my friend Ana is so cool, it's unreal. we talked about my game ReSh, and she said some really nice things about it, which i was not expecting at all, and now i feel super hyped about the possibility of the game actually being able to find an audience of happy goofy gamers that want a game as happy and goofy as them. it's worth trying!


2020-06-06

gonna stop complaining here. not because i think im wrong, but because i feel like i already got it outta my system, so now i can be positive online again. fuck all, it's fun times now!!

also…

u‿u


2020-06-07

i've been avoiding the "drinking wine while watching serialized content" lifestyle because being a 30 year old unemployed artist with a manic personality was enough of a cliche for one lifetime, but finding myself entirely distanced from any person that could provide or assert any criticism for my way of living or my lifestyle choices, and since i don't have a bunch of prudish judgmental anime perverts around me gestapo'ing about like previous years, i've come to discover i can do whatever the fuck i want. in this context, doing whatever the fuck i want means drinking a cheap chardonnay and watching the first season of GLOW, which i've postponed for too long a time but that i knew from premise alone would be one of my favorite shows ever, and so it is, and im having a wonderful time about it.

dont get me wrong, i woulda probably done this too even with the judgmental perverts around me, since i clearly cant give much of a shit about what people think about me outside the context of me trying to improve people's lives, but i just wouldnt have felt as liberated and morally justified about it as i do right now.

having fun is fun. some miserable people will tell you it's actually wrong but they're miserable so you shouldn't listen to them.


2020-06-08

🡆 my experience with alcoholism

so yeah, anyway, i was feeling like dogshit this morning from yesterday's netflix and wine adventure but thank god i have months of sobriety to look forward too. i don't like hangovers, they stop me from working out, thinking straight, and making cool stuff. i still worked on some cool things, but even now i'm feeling lethargic and that sucks. really gotta cycle back with my CRSD so i start waking up in the morning like a normal person again. blablebleblablablele follow my ig i post selfie anyway bye


2020-06-10

finished watching GLOW. it was really fucking good, at least so far, and i'm already starting to miss it. can't wait to see the new season when it comes out. it's great to see comedy that actually deals with themes that relate to women and racial minorities in the US but without that condescending "look at these poor victims" type tone that preachy mfers tend to adopt when dealing with these subjects. celebrating people will always be more powerful than reducing them to their personal suffering.

thinking about starting a new business, something comedy related cuz i wanna go back to comedy. something about comedy makes me think i won't have to deal with any more artsy weirdos with their manic possessive bullshit, and that sounds great considering the horrible melodramas I've had to go through while working for redacted and all the other hack frauds in our local film and video industry. doesn't depend on me though. my CV and track record might be good enough to prove i'm a worthy asset in this line of work, but i'm also broke as shit, so unless i get some hype going this might just prove to be a dead end. in any case, for the first time in a long time i feel like i have a longterm plan, so even if things don't work out, i can tweak things around and make it happen, even if on a smaller scale. i don't know, i'm rambling.

otherwise i'm burned out with work, so i'm gonna chill until i get confirmation. gotta replan my whole life anyway, so i gotta think a lot...


2020-06-11

i'm finally not technically obese, and now i can officially state that i'm technically overweight lol. my measurements rn are… wait lemme make a table:


height:162cm
weight:78kg

chest: 105cm
waist: 76cm
hips: 105cm
thighs:64cm

sure, i've been told i don't look obese, or even really overweight, but numbers don't lie, so i gotta keep working. this is less about how i look and more about making sure i don't end up like my dad, ending up in a coma cuz i can't stop eating and drinking soda, and just wasting my health and strength away. there's always a chance i look fatter than i can admit or see, so even moreso i gotta keep working.

so i gotta keep losing weight. tried counting calories, which was fun and really useful, but now i'm way too busy with work for it, so instead i'm just gonna start eating the recommended portions for every meal, and only eat like three-five different things a day, like i already am, something that's already working. i should stay around the 1200–1600 kcal range, like i've been in the last month, with no problem, especially since i end up undereating due to work anyway. still working out too, but mostly really cuz i get bored, cuz it feels good, and cuz i like the healthy glow it provides me with.

i'll probably never be fashion model-skinny, i just don't have the frame for it anyway, but i don't want to, never did. i like looking more like a female wrestler or a pin-up model, cuz it makes me feel strong, sensual, and pretty. not an excuse though, it's just, i don't wanna push myself to unrealistic standards, just to hit some abstract numeric goal, or some beauty ideal i don't even find attractive. i've never been tiny, i don't wanna be tiny, i don't even feel attracted to other girls when they're tiny. i just wanna feel like i can keep being active, comfortable, happy, and represent my ideals physically. i really feel like i'm getting there! ミ☆


2020-06-12

should I start posting new songs here? I'm gonna try it once, and see how it goes I guess :D

about 15 days ago I did a mash-up-y type cover of songs from both the Game Boy and Super Famicom soundtracks for "Heiankyo Alien", which is one of my favorite games ever. you can listen to the song below:


also i made an english patch for the Windows version of the same game, made by Hyperware in the late 90s.


anyway, i decided to focus my current efforts into an entirely new project, something i can do on my own and hopefully get done quickly using my own talents without the need of anyone else helping with it. blablelbe. i dont wanna talk, i wanna be quiet, it's raining, it's a good day for silence and meditation. have best day, close eyes sleep bye!


2020-06-12, some hours later

gonna try this again, the last update kinda sucked cuz i was sleepy and bored. now im wide awake from working out… and also still bored. ok so, random statements time go go go go:


ok that feels like more of an update. i promise not to make double-updating the norm in the future, i'd rather keep this clean. ok bye now


2020-06-14

hola bebes, how's things? i hope they're going well. i'm… offline, working on… basically "beauty-gender typology"-type philosophy stuff, lost on my own weirdo vortex. but things are good. life's heller sexy right now and i'm having so much learning about myself and my place in the world u‿u (i guess i mean "i've been meditating" but i can't language right lol)

also my tutorial map Vanilla Doom Actions is now on Doomworld /idgames, thanks to Rick "Red" Commandeur, who uploaded the file for me, since im too lazy to do it myself lmao. hopefully that might get that mapping resource into the hands of more Doom mappers wanting to learn what all them funky linedef and sector actions do. LEARNING IS FUN, especially when it's conductive to RIPPING and TEARING and such other activities.

EDIT: also the map is now on the Doom Wiki, which is super cool as well! I know it's silly to consider it as such, but it feels like being part of Doom's history, even if just on the niche within a niche that is Vanilla Doom mapping :P

for a second i thought about stopping this blog-type thing, from a feeling that i'm not the kind of people that is expected to be on Neocities to begin with, but i kinda decided that it's good for this website to have different voices, even if those voices come from some conventionally pretty, popular, outgoing, happily married normie-like savage monkey dummass whateverthefuck this implausible goofball that i am is. hopefully i'll be able to be more candid and cheerful and nerdy and i might start vibing with more people around here, but that's for the rest of this website to decide i guess…


2020-06-15

new article: blackness.

on unrelated news: 76 kg. Only 6 kg to go. I keep reading about people gaining "quarantine weight" and i was terrified that this would happen to me as well, since a lot of my physical activity before the pandemic was based around me going outside a lot. i miss walking 10 km a week, just exploring the city, visiting churches and my favorite eerie places in the city, i miss that life so much. i'm probably gonna double down on going out when this is over. there's so much more i wanna do, i can't wait to do it, it's gonna be awesome!

also honestly i think i'm enjoying this blog more than any social media site combined. it's just so much easier to talk when there's no pressure from a "following" that might or not "like" your post. even if you try to be sincere and straightforward, there's still some pavlovian type conditioning that influences the kinda stuff that you say or not. bet this is why most people are so boring on social media. i do miss some of my twitter friends, but i bet i will see them again one day. it's just a matter of letting the internet keep morphing, maybe a social media site that doesn't sucks will be developed in the next years…

starting to regret making the order of this page go from oldest to newest, but at the same time, i prefer it to be this way, it just feels easier to expand on. i did put a button at the top that jumps to the latest post and the exit, so that should be enough.

blableblibloblu ok bye!


2020-06-16

that is all ミ♡

EDIT: One of my favorite games ever, "C. Kane" is now free/pay what you want on itch.io. Get it now!


2020-06-17

74 kg. just 4 kg to go, and then phase two starts ミ☆

god, i missed talking with people. maybe i should start adding more people to my telegram, it's nice to have a chat once in a while and i gotta make myself more available.

also holy shit hilde osland's latest pics. it fucks me up how beautiful this girl is. now that is excellence in performance.

i tried to do a thing for my bandcamp label's community page where people could submit their own stuff and i'd showcase it, but i only got two submissions. they weren't bad records, but they're far from the kinda stuff i like to listen to. very jammy indie rock-y garage-y stuff, i've listened to enough of that in my early 20s so it does nothing for me. that's just a matter of taste tho, i'll admit that. i'll probably do something else instead i think.

anyway. life's good, life's sexy, life's fun, even with the pandemic shit, this has been one of the best years of my life, and it's not even over u‿u can't wait to see what comes next!


2020-06-18

yesterday i ate hawaiian pizza for the second time in my life. i really love the taste, i think it's probably on my top 3 favorite pizza varieties. i'm probably gonna start trying more simple pizzas in the future, i think the flavors are more distinct compared to the types we usually get

i was gonna post an essay on female beauty but my husband came to the beedroom to spend half the day with me and i got hella distracted lol. might finish the article tomorrow or later, but i kinda just wanna chill and watch old Best of the Worst episodes and relax.

and finally, here's a list of my favorite instagram babes. been wanting to put this list somewhere cuz i think it says a lot about my worldview, philosophy and sense of taste. i respect and admire the work that these girls put on being so gorgeous, like a painter admires the masters, or like a musician admires great composers. beauty is an extremely demanding art, one that takes an unimaginable kind of physical effort to manifest, and anyone who can achieve this level of execution is worthy of my admiration. they're, in my opinion, the most beautiful and unique women on instagram and i'm inspired by their careers and bodies.


renee somerfield

olya abramovich

hilde osland

natasha lee

viktoria apanasenko

angelika andreeva

i will be updating this blog with some other gorgeous girls i find on instagram. now, don't assume this is the only kind of beauty that i appreciate, i think all types of beauty are, well, beautiful, but these are the ones that i think achieve that high level of excellence that i admire and aspire to approximate, even if just on a lesser degree. i'd love to discover beautiful women from other races and cultures, but it's been hard to find these to begin with (some of these i wouldn't even have discovered if not for my husband, actually!). as you can see, it's not a kind of "fashion" beauty, or neotenic beauty, but something less clinical, more mature and sensual, which is what i admire the most. that's rarer than i'd like, sadly…

god, women are beautiful… i'll shut up now lol


2020-06-19

summer days are breezy, we can take it easy at the dreamhouse

everything's fantastic when you're made of plastic at the dreamhouse

forever friends, forever sun, forever young

everyone's excited, you're always invited to the dreamhouse

batteries included, that's just how we do it at the dreamhouse


come with me down to the sand and the sea, we're catching waves all day

build castles on the beach with shades on our eyes… and then we'll head straight home to accessorize


that's how life goes in the dreamhouse


2020-06-19, some time later

73 kg.

el husbando got me a strawberry lip balm and i'm loving it so much. i gotta use more products on my lips, they're too big and tend to dry up a lot, gotta do better mantainance of them from now on.

there seems to be a huge problem with SEO referral spam and bandcamp, enough that the "sources" that for my label shows mostly just fake websites rather than any legitimate links from other websites. sucks u_u

my irl projects didn't go anywhere, i'm starting to think that i can't rely on people being able to dream as big as me. lots of people will choose to make safer choices, and that's their prerogative. gonna continue planning my future with only my husband and cat in mind, everything else will fall into place later.

the feedback on RetroShooti has been overall really positive. i'm finally starting to feel like i made a game. i think this is one of the things i'm the most proud, and i sincerely can't wait to finish it and be able to share the full version with the world. my husband is working super hard on completing the coding part of the game, while i got one song and some other small assets to finish. we're so close to completion now, it's incredible…


2020-06-20






…quiet…








2020-06-22

really struggling with the lack of spicy ramen options in the city, due to the preventive measures surrounding the pandemic. i miss that stuff so much, it was a monthly staple and now i'm having to put spicy sauces and spices on my cheapo ramen cups like an animal. i will be so happy if i ever get to eat that stuff again...

Edit 1: also added a favicon to this page now C:

Edit 2: 1200 movies on Letterboxd. That's like 40 movies a year for every year of my life. That's wild to me, since I don't even like movies.

Edit 3: I thought I could last the whole fall/winter period of the year without being tempted to eat sopaipillas and empanadas, but I succumbed to the temptation. It's fucking sopaipilla time, baby.


2020-06-23

happiness

fitness

true love

music

sex

compassion

friendship

adorable pets

cute drawings

art

mysteries

laughter

honesty

simplicity

respect

self-love

warmness

silence

happiness


2020-06-23, minutes later

mood #1

mood #2

A L S O

the fact that hideaki anno is only known in the west as "the eva guy" rather than the japanese master that made "love & pop", "shiki-jitsu", "cutie honey" and "shin godzilla", speaks of how little curiosity people have beyond the depression-stroking of their egos they get from the woe-is-me immature anime show they saw in their teenage years. hideaki anno is, to me, up there with kitano, kurosawa and ozu, and yet most people don't even bother with his work past their favorite animu trash. smh my fucking head.


2020-06-23, the next day

made a letterboxd list for what is basically my favorite initiation stories in film. i have a background on traditionalist studies, as any proper artist should, and i tend to seek films that narrate a very particular kind of story, that is very rare both in western and eastern art. i'm talking about stories in which a character either fully realizes into their archetype; or, having already realized themselves, have to find themselves confronting other archetypes and mysteries in the world. i prefer these kind of stories because they avoid the mundanity of human conflict and melodrama, but rather seek to speak about growth, wisdom and divine power, which I myself vibe hard with as they're my main preoccupations in life. the list is heavily on spoilers though, so beware! otherwise, iunno, i hope you can watch these films and learn a bit about your own psyche and how to control it and use it to achieve your highest potential, which is what all men should strive for. blablabla, i'm still eating sopaipillas and getting fat and being a giant lazy cat.


2020-06-26

…can't write, life is happening…


2020-06-27

…spending most of the day chatting with my husband… today i ate ribs for the first time, they were neat… now we are talking about horror video games… life is quiet today…


2020-06-28

im writing this post from the future. yeah, that's it. haha.

pretty wild how i just ate ribs and some french fries and that's it for a whole day. my appetite is non-existent. i feel less anxious too, almost as if life is truly wonderful rn…

this whole "self-destruction of western civilization" feels quite biblical, and much like the Deluge, i feel like it's ultimately good. what is heroic and divine will survive, what is rotten will fall apart and disappear. that's good. less good is that the waters seem to be taking some good things with them too, sometimes even more than the bad things. i hope the world finds a balance soon…

updated the mesmerize records bandcamp community page thing. go there if you want music recommendations!

the neocities editor gets really confused by links that point to a page with a ? or & on the url. should get fixed hopefulley.

im mega baby i dont wanna get outta this room or this bed ok bye love you support dark elven bye


2020-06-29, in the past

🡆 three things (memories, selfies, how much they care)


2020-06-29, in the present

...working on ReSh...


2020-06-29, in the future

new article: FOUND MEDIA: Sourcing the Anime Posters in Shadow Warrior (1997)

I'll be documenting some of my other findings regarding lost, found and obscure media on my Medium. I already do these kinda investigations as a hobbie, but sometimes what I find out is so interesting or useful, I wanna share them with other people. I considered doing a video series about it or something but I kinda don't know if I could pull that off on top of being a developer, musician, artist, blah bleh bluh. Even if I end up doing these as videos, it's cool to have them in text form too so it's all cool…

it was raining this morning but i missed out on it. that's sad. i spent the whole night watching creepy online mystery type videos and then i flel asleep. i wish i could find more Horror Themed YouTube Channels That Don't Suck™ but it ain't as easy. I hate sensationalism, i hate uninformed speculation, i hate ARGs and creepypastas, i hate childish nonsense. i like creepy stuff that is interesting, or crazy, or emotionally resonant. that's the rare stuff, sadly...


2020-06-30

i'm quite fond of the Tetsuya Nomura redesign for the AVGN. my official statement: i think it's hot. personally i would go even further, add more chains and pockets, maybe a giant sword or two.

because i never learn my lesson, i bought an embarassing amount of clothes and accessories. i really hope this time they don't "lose" any items and actually bring every product to my apartment. what's most important is that about half of my new clothes are gonna be pink, because i decided to go full Barbie, fuck da wolrd.

also i ate a crapton of subway food and now i don't wanna eat anything anymore. i like this "only eat one or two meals per day" mode. i gained a bit of weight but i'm otherwise stable around 73. i'm sure i'll be going below that in a month or so u‿u

i wish i had an electroacoustic guitar so i can record a country album, i've been wanting to do this for so long i just never have enough money, and... food and clothes are a priority considering i've bought clothes for myself less than 10 times in my life (60% of my closet is hand-me-downs from my older sister and my mum, and stuff that's like 5 to 20 years old, i'm hella poor :C), and i gotta eat too so it's not like i can prioritize my music over any of that ;m; ... on some level i feel like i should go tell my followers to donate some music or buy my shit but this feels like the worst time to do that... iunno it's not that important.

still working on retroshooti, remaking the whole other 75% that's not available in the demo. it's coming to be really great, like, sometimes it feels like an entirely different game, and that's dope.

see ya tomorrow!


2020-07-02

wow, tomorrow took a long time!

i wanna say this because, if anyone ever reads this, and if there's one thing i'd like the whole world to know about me, it's this:

i really love being a woman. being a woman is one of the hardest things i've ever done. being a woman is also one of the most beautiful things that have ever happened to me. the kind of closeness i've achieved to other women in my life, the friendships i've forged with my sisters, that's something i will always cherish in my heart. some people paint the idea that being a woman is a path of suffering, and there's some of that, sure, but it's also inherently beautiful. i love being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a wife. and it's not even the beauty: i could be ugly, i could be deformed, i could be broken and bound to the ground, i could be scarred and damaged, and being a woman would still be the most wonderful thing in my life, every day, forever.

some men think being a woman is inherently weak, denigrating, pathetic, fragile, even stupid. those men have never known the mysteries hidden behind a woman's face, the worlds within us, the boundless beauty we can grow in and around us. for there's magic within us, divinity in both our skin, divinity in our minds, divinity in our souls, if we allow it to be within us. i've discovered this in many of my sisters, listening to their words, in both feeling and thought and prayer. my sisters inspire me to be better, to be powerful, to be free. and that's all my sisters: regardless of where you came from, what you were before or what you might become, if you're in tune with femininity divine, you are a sister to us all.

sadly, i've also seen women be reduced to the bare minimum of their femininity, mere servants of masculinity, dependant, subjugated, humilliated. for these women, slaves of the world, i just wish them to be free as well: to find value within themselves, not from what they can do for men or the world, but their inherent beauty, as given to us by our nature. and like wolves, we are most alive when we are allowed to roam, explore, play in the shadows, united with all the nature in this world. this connection to divinity, to our bodies and to nature around us, that's our destiny, our home, our paradise, and every woman must discover a place in the world in which they feel like they've found their true origin.

some of us might be struggling, some of us might be crying, bleeding, being pushed to our limits, but as long as we don't forget the beauty within us, we will have hope.

thank you for reading, tomorrow (that is, the next time i remember to update this lol) i'll try to be less cosmic :P


2020-07-03

future marscat here. i just have one thing to say: if you gotta remove red crosses from old games, or your own gamedev projects, because geneva convention shenanigans, uuuuh how about use a heart. hearts are an universal and traditional symbol for life, health, etc. that's what we do in ReSh (the medkits themselfs are inspired by Doom and Duke Nukem 3D) and i think it looks heller cuter than an ugly pill. that's my take. bye now!


2020-07-04

it hasn't been that long ago that certain kinds of minority representation were impossible, so it's normal that this historical repression is now resulting in a lot of art that focus less on telling good stories or providing a good artistic experience, but rather on being bold and blunt about minority experiences as a cultural "payback" for those centuries of erasure. eventually time will go on and you will see two outcomes to these current cultural trends: normalization, and a reappraisal of our output as a civilization and era. we will benefit from the exposure to minority experiences until these kind of stories aren't seen as different from the stories people used to tell before, enough that we might see these experiences be featured in more conventional, mainstream works, but also we will only really continue celebrating the greater works that came from this cultural time, and ignore the crappier, more propagandistic ones, while recognizing the value of their existence as a stepping stone to more tolerant times. i'd consider that a win-win, which in my book justifies the existence of even the crappiest minority-centric art, as it will pave the way for better artists to make better things one day. it's not like the majority doesn't make terrible art all the time anyway...

anyway i've been really sad lately cuz one of my projects is gonna take like 4x longer than i planned to, so instead i'm gonna focus on smaller things and hopefully finish something already lol


2020-07-04, hours later

Chris-chan's "Lego Ice Cream Truck set" story is a masterpiece of surrealism, a work of tremendous psychic content. I wish I had lots of money to buy the rights for this and then turn it into a silent film. The story is included below:

I feel compelled to tell the short story I made up just now, based on the Lego Ice Cream Truck set; the Fitness Fanatic included is You. She says, "Ooh. I am a fitness fanatic. I insult everyone else who is even a millimeter wider than am. I came with an Ice Cream Truck, so I will stop and eat all the ice cream I want. Nom nom nom. Wow, I am soo trim like a beach ball." Scene: interior: her home. "Philip, I'm home", she says as she rolls in through the door. Phillip approaches and greets her. "Hey... WOAH! Wow." Then he thinks, "I could get easily crushed under that." Then he says to her, "Okay, bye now." Then he cartwheels out the door with a la-lala-lala-lala. Then she groans sadly. "Everyone else is fatter than me," she disillusions herself into believing at that moment. End.

That's it, bye for now!


2020-07-07

my clothes finally arrived. they're super hot. been wearing one of my new pink crop tops since. the psychic energy of pink appears to be the last missing ingredient for the self-contained ideal self i've been striving to achieve, and i'm extremely happy to see the dream be fully manifested.

tried to read Wilhelm Reich's The Sexual Revolution but reading it proved to be very not hot, and i refuse to engage with any literature or art about sex that isn't inherently erotic itself, on the basis that any notion must be self-evident. some people might not understand why I'm so fond of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged but it's as simple as the fact that the book is, as a physical object, big and sexy, and that the prose in it — once you realize it, it's not readily apparent until a couple chapters in — is also big and sexy, and therefore self-evident of the ideals that the book promotes. i would say the same of Paglia's work, and films like Belle de Jour (current favorite) or Showgirls (old favorite), which say, sound and look like the thing they're saying, the medium is the erotic object of the message and viceversa. so yeah, self-completeness is essential to both prose and existence, anything else is larping, and therefore not hot. we must become the instrument for our own desire, that's the only true heroism, the only true hotness.

Edit: Reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra, I found this passage that in itself summates my relationship to the kind of philosophy that doesn't manifest its own ideal:

Of all that is written I love only what a man has written with his blood. Write with blood, and you will experience that blood is spirit.

And so goes I.


2020-07-11

alchemy is da process of combining tomato sauce (da active element), pasta (da passive element) and da meatballs (da body) into spaghetti and meatballs (da philosopher's lunch), mamma mia!


2020-07-13

husband found the first grey hair on my head ever. i'm becoming an old lady, and that's wonderful if u ask me ;ω;

edit: also this


2020-07-14

keep trying not to work on stuff. end up working on stuff anyway. there's got to be more to life than working, but i've yet to figure it out. i don't even think i have a real hobby, but i'm eager to discover one, hopefully soon so i'm not as bored with all this free time...


🡄 get me outta here!