feeling so much better now. also i finally learned how to pass textures to a shader, and from there i implemented lookup tables and shader-based dithering transparency. i have some other ideas but i will save them for later projects.
got a new twitter follower and their entire feed was nothing but hot takes and quote RTs of people dunking on people, or attempts to dunk at people. how can anyone live like that? tbh i mostly follow bots that post cool art stuff, and some of the few normal people i've met online. normal here means "not being in a constant state of anger and bickering on the internet." i wish people that aren't normal wouldn't follow me, but i don't know how to signal that approprietly. i don't wanna tarnish my bio with some "rules on following marscat" bullshit though.
today i will eat kimchi soup again, and i'm excited about it because i love fermented goods and spiciness. i also prepared salads for days so i won't have to worry about meals for the next week. i love food, it's the best thing.
also i'm still at 74–76 kg, trying to drop down to 70 in the next months, just to see if i feel better. don't particularly like how i look when i'm average weight, but health is more important than aesthetics.
life is good. even with sickness, life is good.
6 hours working on a dozen different implementations of pathfinding on game maker only to give up and do the thing i didn't wanna do in the first place, which was using the A* pathfinding already programmed onto Game Maker Studio and then having one invisible dæmon–object doing that, while the visible object i actually wanted to move in the first place just follows the former along the room. one thing i regret from dropping outta high school is having no formation in anything but basic maths, but eh, i'm a fun-maker not a programmer.
kimchi soup, lots of roasted meat, some healthy salads (no nightshade family vegetables or fruits), and i'm feeling just great now. i should stop eating according to what "it's expected of me to eat" and just eat whatever i want. bet i'll be a lot healthier in the long run. anyway, it's los fiestos patrios, so i'm celebrating by… uh, working on gamedev stuff. more info about that on my twitter. these are some words.
At least based on my experience, I would say that my actions, and the mental narration going on about it, are merely akin to a soccer game and its commentators. Much like you can play a game of soccer without anyone commenting on it, you can go about life without narrating it. The narration can say whatever bullshit it wants about the play by play moments, but in the end all the real decisions will be made in the field, based on reaction and instinct. No idea if this makes sense as a way of describing the relationship between narration and action in other people’s brains though. Maybe other people depend on the narration, and their brains are more akin to armies and their generals. Can’t generalize about such things.
the amount of pain i feel some days is downright ridiculous. it's blinding, limb-numbing, paralyzing, mind-destroying pain. the pain starts from the spine up to my brain, and then it transmits to every limb and nerve, to the point that i can't even breathe without feeling tremendous pain. the episodes last between 5 to 60 minutes. generally, if i stay healthy and fit, i can reduce them to once a month, or once a week. some weeks, like this week, the i'm having an episode at least once per day. i'm currently typing this and i only really feel in control of 25% of my body, the rest is just entirely shut off from the over-stimulation. i can't move my neck. i've had these episodes since i was 12, but 18 years later, they're just getting worse and worse. let's say the pain can be measured in decibels. i'd say the noise (pain) floor is always about -30 dBs. when the episodes start, it fades in to 0 dBs in about 5 to 30 minutes. that's the easy part. after the noise (pain) reaches 0 dBs, the fade out takes about 5 to 45 minutes. i'd say, as i'm typing this, the pain is at about -10 dBs. i think my entire system of beliefs and ideas is built upon the foundation of pain being a constant signal, and that everything i believe about life exists in relation to that pain. i spent the night mostly hallucinating, but even while asleep i could feel the pain, as vivid as if i was wide awake. the pain is so strong that there are many forms of ghosting and colored shapes in my eyesight at all times. there's many aspects of it that could be compared to migraines, but the whole body pain broadcast, that i have not been able to define. so the pain is an inevitability of being alive, of being me. everything i've achieved in my life, is not just a victory over reality, but a victory over pain. i wish everyone who interacts with me at any point had an understanding of this, because i think it explains most of my behavior and personality. my life is centered around the elimination of pain, in every aspect of the human condition. i can remove all sorts of ailments from the mind, the soul, social life, but i can't conquer physical pain. at least not yet. i'm working on it. i will stop typing now.
lest it's confused by an ideology rather than just the result of complete elimination of any linguistical process, i won't be speaking any further about the dreamhouse, unless directly asked to. heaven is, ultimately, a choice, and at this point of my life, i don't think we choose our choices, we just commit to them. and so i will commit to the dreamhouse. loud and clear, the word continues to be YES.
im starting to think i unironically have some kind of attention disorder or some shit. it has worked so far for me, so i won't do much about it, but it's good to see the emerging pattern.
watched Southland Tales again — it's clear to me now that this is the most essential political film of the 2000s. it basically predicted what the future would be, but more importantly, it's also showed us the way out. I also watched Pumping Iron, and I felt like everything was — or could be — right with the world if we could all be the Schwarzennegers of our Bodybuilding, for the world WILL be saved only by high iq muscular artists and sexy calendar babe priestesses, the unrepentant nerds and perverts, the wild cave men and the monkey-brained — that is, anyone that synthesizes their will with their condition can, and shall, emancipate the Earth. they are the answer to the salvation that Nietzsche wanted to manifest in the world, those that have gone beyond man and become pure ideal, hypostasized and manifest, TO BECOME THE VERB.
so, are you being your best? only by manifesting the dream we can destroy the nightmare. to be self-realized is to have no cope in the eyes of the Angel, and only that shall give us entrance to Heaven. clinging to cope is the path towards Hell: you will die in a prison of flesh, trapped in a cycle of lament, surrounded by distractions that could have been pleasures, if only you had said YES. you want to be Barbie? then manifest that will. say YES. you want to be a Barbarian? then manifest that will. say YES to your condition. there's everything to gain and nothing of value to lose. fuck yeah.
anyway i'm enjoying posting selfies on ig again, now that i don't have to deal with no-value compliments and shallow attention. accidentally found myself having all the items needed to make a cheerleader outfit, and I said YES to it and now that's my twitter avi. the power of YES is the true magick of the elders. it's said that the first men could move mountains by poetry alone, such was the clarity between expression and intent, no bullshit inbetween. how much bullshit is there between your words and actions, and your true intentions? it's important to pay attention to these things. i can honestly say that, besides some technical details and some goals yet to having been reached, I fully endorse the imagery i've been projecting online, and in the real world.
YES is now my favorite word in the English language, for it's its most powerful word. YES. YES to everything, all of it, it's all good to me. GOD IT IS GOOD TO BE.
i refuse to have an aesthetic. why would i have an aesthetic? im a person, boundless, incoherent, inconsistent. aesthetics are entry points, and i refuse to allow entrance. there's no brand because there's no boundary. does a stray dog have a brand or aesthetic? does a tornado have a brand or aesthetic? why would i have anything more than what's already there? i refuse to be this aware of my existence. i don't wish to know so much about myself as to be meta-contextualizing my own choices. there's nothing behind the face, it's not a mask. i wish to be monkey, unaware, inevitable. thanks for reading!
eating a burger will always be more important to me than being fit. i follow two ideals: eating good, and looking good. eating burger has a greater positive impact, because it's delicious and overall enjoyable. looking good, that just comes in handy sometimes. burger is therefore superior. sure, not eating the burger might help with making me be fit sooner, but then i wouldn't have enjoyed a burger. and i know i will come to regret this in due time. i'd rather have many great memories of burger than just memories of suffering for something that is good, but not burger good. i will stop eating the burger when it stops making me happy. and there's surely more to happiness than burgers, and those things will have their own time too. until then, however, i will choose to eat the burger. i will choose happiness.
i like watching movies at 1.77x speed because then everything feels like a michael bay movie, which is a feeling im quite fond of. most movies are edited so that the slowest people can keep track of things. i have an attention disorder so i gotta go turbo or else my brain gets distracted and it ends taking me 10 years to finish watching a movie. most art is super tedious in general. that's why i like Borges. he knew that storytelling is the art of pacing, and so he made his stories as compact as possible to not waste any word in bullshit. i yearn for bullshit-free art that gets to the point. if i am to become a real filmmaker, i will take 10 minutes of material and do them in 2 minutes. i will take 2 hours of material and make them into 80 minutes. i refuse to be a waste of time for people, that's called compassion and empathy. why watch one boring 3 hours movie when you can watch 30 shorts in that same time? my clock runs too slow and the world moves in slow motion. i wish to be the blue hedgehog. thanks for reading!
there's always one "arnold schwarzenegger smoking a stogie" for every thing that a person can do that others might point out as "wrong" or "bad". the fact is, there are very few truly bad things. rather, there's just a lot of people that go about good things in a bad way. therefore i think we must all try to be the arnold schwarzeneggers of our many particular stogies. just set a good example, bro, let's celebrate the good things C:
my main problem at the moment is that there's really not many resources — psychological, spiritual or otherwise — for
HOT SEXY BABES IN YOUR AREA to come to terms with their condition. in this long reclusion, partially started by the babyvirus stuff but actually starting earlier in 2018, i've been larping that i'm nothing but a poet farmer in rural japan from the late 1800s/early 1900s, and it's been quite pleasant indeed to pretend that my problems have more to do with being a misunderstood poet, or a dreamer in a rigid skeptic world, than being what i actually am: a hot sexy barbie babe with too big a brane to enjoy it unironically. sure, pretending I'm just a silent monk living inna woods allowed me to confront many things in my life that had to do with my relationship to art and spirituality, which i did have pending issues with for a long time and were things i needed to decode and rework, but that doesn't mean i fixed everything. i can see now that i wasn't as prepared as i thought to be part of the world once again, and now i find myself having to confront an old dragon i thought i had already conquered. my fault for assuming this would somehow disappear if i Zarathustra'ed myself into a cave inna hills.
and so, while my self-esteem is in a much better place than it was years ago — i don't doubt how pretty i am anymore, because my entire life experience is a constant, inevitable reminder of my status in society and i've exhausted all explanations to why my life feels so constantly "off" and uncanny —, that don't mean i've come to fully enjoy this manifest form. you have to understand that, even if look like how i look, and even if i enjoy many aspects of it, i will always ultimately be some amorphous autismic weirdo monk programmer artist entity trapped in the body of a sentient barbie doll, and there's too much about those two aspects of my existence that seems irreconciliable… as of yet, i hope.
(long aside but: i've come to think that being a hot girl is either another great trial of the soul, or that it's the last step towards returning to the divine, due to how silly this whole thing seems to me. i feel a thousand years old already, so i kinda feel like it's probably the latter, and that, if i'm able to deal with my current tribulations now, i'm gonna be done with existence by the time i die — no more karmic cycle for this bitch lol. i mean, hell, my biggest problem is that i'm "too desirable to be taken seriously", which is a problem, sure, but it's hardly the kind of nightmare scenario most folk have to endure in this satanic world. so, yeah, it's not like this is a life of endless suffering, but more like i'm living in a surreal remake of Legally Blonde, so how bad can it be anyway?)
but even if this problematic is not the wildest or most difficult thing to have to live with, it's still my problematic and i gotta come to terms with it. i now understand that a lot of the work i've done in my life to have, y'know, an intellect, a personality, a strong will, and all those things that warriors respect in other warriors, is in fact nothing but a fun gimmick for someone of my status. i'm the hot babe in glasses that supposedly reads books or is a scientist, like a character from a sleazy horny B-movie transplanted into reality. for most people, whether or not i've read these tomes of philosophy is entirely unimportant, for as long as i stand there, looking sexy with my glasses and schoolgirl uniform.
even more, i've come to understand this thing which i truly am in mind and soul, it's not something that's gonna help me in finding an "open door" for anything but the bedroom of many men and some women. therefore, there's essentially no point in assuming that i will be "welcomed" into the world in the position of a monk, a philosopher, or an artist, because the world clearly don't give a shit about any aspect of me that isn't the most readily apparent and easy to digest, which is my physical form. which in one hand is like "woo, good news, maybe i AM really talented but no one has given enough of a shit to figure it out", but on the other, that means all my works, all my ideas, the entire purpose of my mission on this earth will always be too small compared to mmm sexy lips nice tits nice ass whats ur number lol
so yes yes all the bad things, yeah sure… but…i still gotta find a way to, like, synthesize visual marscat with the core marscat. if i'm smart enough to figure this out, i might be able to devise a system that can be replicated by other "high iq hot girls" in the world, and maybe this could even somehow help with teaching mfers on how to have more empathy for women of my ilk. sadly, im dealing with some of the most fucked aspects of the human condition, jealousy and desire, and as far as i can see, no woman has ever been able to defeat or pacify both in their lifetime. and so i go back to the beginning: why the fuck is there no resources for hot girls to deal with the nature of this particular beast? sure, everyone can see the problems, but how come there aren't any solutions yet? or is it that there's just no solution to this?
that's what i'm working on, what i've been dealing with for the last week, and thinking about all night. now, i will do something i don't think will actually work but: if you're a sexy girl — not cute, not interesting, i'm talking top instagram model tier beauty here — and you're smart enough to know what im talking about, please reach out. the most difficult part is going at this alone, so any cross-reference would be a tremendous help. i hope that, in my lifetime, i can find a way to make being a babe something workable in the world. until then, iunno, im just gonna sit back and think really hard about what to do with myself…
can't blog, too busy using my new nvidia card for ESRGAN to mess around with pictures and such u‿u
i finally have proper mixing headphones again. i will go about remixing anything i've released since my last pair broke to make sure it sounds good. tbh, hearing back on my mixes from the last years, they aren't even bad. it's kinda incredible that i was able to make music sound good with the cheap crap i've been using. still though, it's good that i have the proper equipment to make music, it might not make things "better" but it might make things easier, and that's about as good a reason to make a purchase. life is good u‿u
also, my twitter is pretty chill. i missed being able to make bad absurdist jokes and have them all contained in a page. i mean, there's a lot of absurdism here too, but it's just not the proper context for stuff. iunno. i've had to block like a dozen sadposters from following me though. people really aren't able to see how toxic to the psychic environment their bullshit is. it's sad, really.
also i ate spicy ramen. i'm kinda sick, so i'm resting. i saw a video/short film called "9999 in 1" that i'd really love for more people to watch. i'm trying hella hard to be the change i wanna see in the world. need to be better myself though. more resilient, give less fucks. one day at a time. good times u‿u
yeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh… i though i was ready enough to start operating in the roil world, but turns out it's still just as exhausting to manage the kind of intense attention i get when i exist in front of other people, so i'mma just… hide away for a while here, and on twitter and ig, where it's safe. i removed like 400 people from ig, and already had removed like 3000 ppl from twitter in the last four years, so i'm basically pretty comfy, but like, facebook and real life… it's just too much. i wouldn't call myself an "introvert" but it's very true that interacting so much just drains my energy. i don't wanna exist so much. no one needs to exist that much. i know it's something that goes beyond me, it's energy that flows through the manifest world, it has nothing to do with me really, but still though, i feel exhausted. so yeah, let's take a break u‿u
i don't mind that men stare at me when i'm walking down the street. i get it now. i don't even mind that women stare at me as if i had just fucked or killed their significant other, just for daring to exist in front of them bitches. if you wanna seethe girl, seethe, i don't fucking care anymore. but there's just one thing i just can't stand about all this shit…
stare at my tits all you want. hell, even do that thing when you try to turn around super quick, ninja style, just to stare at my ass. look at me like a deer in headlights from across the street or from the end of the supermarket aisle, like some kind of fucking pod person. you're free to do any of that shit if you wanna take a gander so much. i respect it, and i would do the same if i saw a hot babe on the street too. but just. fucking. MOVEE!! dear god if not for the babyvirus shit i'd be pushing motherfuckers outta my way. you have the whole street, bro. there aren't even that many cars around anymore. bring a fucking lawn chair, bro, get comfy. go-kart behind me across entire street blocks, dude. it's a free country, have at it. just get the fuck outta my wayyyyy!!
this has been a public service announcement, thanks for reading.
also, i'm really enjoying going out in the last days. yesterdee i walked 5km and saw all sorts of cool spots i hadn't seen since before the babyvirus stuff. today i went to the supermarket to buy stuff for breakfest for me and the husband, and also went to a hardware store to buy a new screwdriver set cuz the husband keeps losing them, so now i have a kit only for myself. good times all in all. i'm really feeling great, but about being alive, being me, being outside, being worry-free, and being truly happy. life is too good, you guys y‿y
i don't wanna be unique. i want the exact opposite. i want there to be a million "me's" out there. not literally someone exactly like me, of course, but people who love like i love, smile like i smile, enjoy like i enjoy. hopefully willing to be my friends, too. all together, we could be unstoppable. if i ever find a woman like me, i will try my best to be there for her. it'd be a wonderful thing indeed…
it astonished me how Kenji Miyazawa seemed to have figured it all out so soon. i truly believe he was happy, probably the happiest living person of his time, because he understood the fundamentals of happiness like no one else. his work is truly an extension of that joy, which is what makes some of the adaptations of his work so frustrating. they can be so cynical and superficial sometimes, lacking in faith and joy of life. i have not encountered a work by miyazawa that doesn't express this joy, and yet so many people miss out on this somehow. ofc, many of his works were made to appeal to kids, who haven't been poisoned by irony yet so nothing seems too impossible or fantastic for them. it's in that domain that miyazawa's voice operates, yes, but this is not exclusive to children. you just have to not be a boring asshole.
which ties back to what clicked when i watched Twin Peaks this time. the first time, I was mostly into the mystery, and the aesthetics. i'm older now, and my understanding of things has gone further than the superficial enjoyment i was able to muster as a cynical teenager. i see Lynch appealing to that same kind of voice, that mysterious, innocent and yet frightning and cosmic domain of storytelling, imagination, living. there are some frights in Miyazawa too. considerably milder considering his target audience, sure, but there's still an element of realistic fear and violence in his works. both Lynch and Miyazawa (but not exclusively them, I could count also Buñuel, Jodorowsky, Borges, Brian Wilson, J.V. Andreae, and so many others) understand that true art speaks in the voice of a child and an old man at once. there's wisdom, but whimsy. a balance between the maturity of experience, knowledge, and reason, and the endless imagination, freedom and sincerity of childhood.
we live in cynical times now, and we have an epidemic of boring assholes, but it's now, more than ever, important to go back to the things that make us feel like children again. it's not just a matter of being entertained in boring times, or being soot(h)ed in angry times, but a matter of finding a path in life that returns us to our lost innocence. the child is father of the man. let's try to be happier people now.
my opinion on social media hasn't changed one bit, but i missed my friends on instagram and twitter so i decided to return. my @ on both sites is @kidmarscat. you can go there if you like, but honestly i've made my accounts unwelcoming for a reason, and i'm being quite ruthless there about who i accept or not because… i've come to realize that my happiness is directly connected to my ability to remove anyone who wants me to be anything but what i already am, what i truly am, which is the kinda people that made me want to delete my social media/remove myself from the world to begin with.
i'm a "pretty woman that does cool things" on the internet, so there's a bunch of fucking idiotic expectations of what i should be and do. people want me to be an e-girl, to be the "based" queen of whatever the fuck in-group, people want to be able to say that they know me personally, people want to have contact, and control, over who i am and what i do. people wanna see me naked, people wanna see me get mad. people want me to support their stupid fucking causes and opinions. people are endlessly frustrated with me because i refuse to do any of that fucking bullshit. saying i have a boyfriend wasn't enough, saying i am married wasn't enough, saying i wasn't real wasn't enough. i thought it was a "me problem" for the longest time, i was told many times to learn to "play ball" and become the dream girl of random motherfuckers online, because "think of the profits/clout/internet points". for some reason, because i'm pretty and i use the internet, people think i actually want a million instagram followers and a bunch of simps to do my bidding and buy my shit. i do not give a fuck. i wanna talk about anime and john carpenter movies with the lads. i don't need any of this shit, i'm perfectly happy with my life, and never in the equation of my happiness i've ever really considered even a little adoration or fanaticism from a bunch of 30 year old neurotic dudes trying to find a maiden to worship. "without being praised/without being a burden/such a person/I want to become". i have removed myself from the equation. i will continue to do whatever the fuck i want and make myself as unflattering as i need to to enjoy my cozy existence. i will continue to post bad jokes and links to youtube songs that no one recognizes. if being happy means having to soft-block 95% of the internet's population, to keep their endless torrent of misery and desperation away, then i'm gonna be happy to do that. it will all be worth it, to be able to fuck around with my mates in peace. this is, in my opinion, the only way to exist online without letting it assimilate you into another boring drone who posts about controversies and politics all fucking day. there's so much more to life than this, bro. we live in paradise, bro. good times, bro, good times ♡
post was too long so it has been moved here. ok ilu bye
some people are just really nice man, you love to see it. the entertainment business doesn't attract the nicest of people, with all the desperation, predatory behavior, and general spiritual ugliness, so you gotta cling to the people who are really sincere, kind and open. they're the ones that make the work worth it, man ;ω; and you really come to be surprised about who allows themself to be nice and who decides to be nasty in this industry. i mean, i'm about as close to a curmudgeon a person can be, but i still feel excited when anyone writes me about their current projects, about their ideas, their dreams. i ultimately love people. some of my favorite people are people. you might not like the tedium of most mundane interactions, but any meaningful connection between two humans is a beautiful miracle indeed. you gotta cherish that stuff. that's what life is ultimately about, y'know? connecting, learning, helping others. even with me feeling like my karmic cycle is about done with this life, it's nice to know that i will have met and chatted with some of the coolest people in this planet from my lifetime. life's good ♡
my fucking video card died. it's only been a week since one of our notebooks died. i'd say "fate" but it's more like "third world poverty" or even "working our dirt poor machines too hard to do things that are too intens(iv)e for them". anyway, thank god i had some savings otherwise i'd be out of work for months if not years, instead of just mere weeks.
in other news, i suddenly don't feel as empathetic as i was before anymore…
damg, an opinion? yes folks, here's some opinions regarding faith:
01. you get to not believe in god(s) if they don't appear in front of you. you should only really believe what you can attest to be true. everything else is conjecture, some more convenient, some less so.
02. if god does appear in front of you, loud and clear, you get to believe in it, unless you don't trust your own experience of living, in which case you can doubt even your own whole existence.
03. the only incentive to choosing (key word) to believe your own experience of living is being able to accept it, confront it and deal with it appropriately within your means.
04. there's a difference between what's real and what's true, and that's one of the key problematics of ontology.
05. having considered point four, now you can choose to either live from what's real or what's true, for different purposes and goals relevant to your own experience of living.
06. empiricism is a framework for a kind of knowledge that exists within certain domains of phenomenology, which can't be extrapolated out of the framework without crossing domains.
07. crossing from any domain to another is always a dangerous proposition, as there will always be incompatibilities which might destroy the meaning of phenomena.
08. the tools of science are built to study that which can be observed by those tools. any tool is only useful in its context, everything else is a crossing of domains, which might break tools or the phenomena they're studying. if you break a screwdriver trying to use it as a drill on wood or stone, you're responsible for the breaking, not the wood or stone.
09. the "Quinque viæ" are nothing but cope and Thomas de Aquinas made a huge mistake crossing incompatible domains by using the wrong framework on the wrong phenomenon
10. "things only seem to be magic. there is no real magic. there's no real magic ever."
11. if you see Buddha, you can hit him, he won't be happy about it though.
12. read the Tractatus, or have someone explain it to you. philosophy is dead, man. been dead for a long time. mfers now're just trying to justify their paycheck.
13. skeletons are evil? iunno man, i've met a few skelly folk and they've been a pleasant bunch. maybe you've met the wrong skeletons.
for a second there i really was considering returning to instagram and twitter but i kinda give too much of a shit. people are always weeping, bleeding, screaming, and punching holes into walls, and i wish i couldn't give a shit about any of it, but it's all too real. i wish i wasn't so much of an emotional sponge so i could live with that nightmare every day and still feel just as happy as i am right now, but i just can't do it. i feel too much, i'm too alive and everything seems too present. i just feel too much empathy for people's emotions, and people's emotions online are getting too intense. so i won't. i'm happy here. i do miss some of my mates tho, but it's just too much bad for too little good…
an unforeseen problem regarding the escape from samsara through the achievement of peaceful enlightenment is that most life decisions — from the bigger things like the Works, to the smaller things like what you eat today — seem entirely trivial and therefore it becomes quite impossible to make any choices. i find myself uninterested in the options given to me by the manifest world, and so I've come to start collecting different tools that allow me to make entirely random choices, which allows me to continue in my blissful detachment. if you're seeking the path too, you might benefit from obtaining a dice, a tarot deck, or a random number generator, and letting reality itself make decisions for you. may you be completely sublimated forever too!
finished watching Twin Peaks 1, 2, Fire Walk with Me, Missing Pieces, and 3, and I have some opinions about this or that, mostly uninteresting things to say, so instead I will just tell you that my favorite aspect of Twin Peaks is how people speak about capital "M" Mysteries as if they were the most normal thing in the world. I wish the real world was more like that, people are so overly dramatic about magic as if it wasn't the most trivial thing in the world. most lies are petty, and most secrets are lies. hey, that last thing is somewhat like what Lynch told [redacted] in-character in that one episode of that show about the guy and the things. anyway mr. president please finish Twin Peaks thanks -timmy, age 3
…everythings fyne inna wolrd…
arches.bmp, chk this out C:
You do not know every thing in the world,
and perfection of anything is only a grand illusion in your head
tough day for CAT laboratories. we lost 1.5 notebooks in a day, and we can't continue working on RetroShooti for the time being. BUT i already made the necessary plays to fix things ASAP, so that we can continue working and finish what we gotta finish ASAP. at some points, we lost all our hope, and I certainly cried a lot in the last 24 hrs, but things are looking bright. we will survive this!
even when confronted with the inevitable, when no change is possible, not for any mortal woman or man, one must make a choice. the choice between rejecting the inevitable or embracing it. the choice between accepting reality or escaping away from it. when confronted with the inevitable, one must choose to accept and embrace the world, or disavow it and get lost in the illusion, detached from the love and warmth of the world. when confronted with all the things i cannot change about the manifest world, i choose to accept it with a smile, for that's the heroic path i've been instructed on, that's my path towards the love and warmth of this reality matrix. this is the true happiness of the knight of faith, and what keeps my heart beating and my feet moving.
went to the local koreatown for spicy ramen, chocolatey snacks and delicious beverages. i also bought a cute pink cup so i can drink my many teas in it C:
but yeah, since ive gone out like three times in the last week, i'm thinking that maybe i'm gonna start reintroducing marscats into society, so i need a better, prettier mask than the ugly plain green one im using right now. i will be purchasing a cute pink one in the near future. gotta stay on brand u‿u
now, some bloggy paragraphs:
it seems that, because i have a strong personality and work in a "competitive" business (entertainment, publishing, etc.), people assume me to be this fierce dominant person, with a particular vibe or drive, and then assume my husband to either be more of a meek, shy guy, or someone even more dominant and strong than me. doesn't help that i look either like a punk girl, wrestler or bimbo babe depending on my moods, so i carry that "aggression and high libido" vibe with me even though i just wear the things i like just cuz i like em, and not because i mean anything by them u_u
my husband avoids meddling with my public and professional life because he prefers to abstract himself from the world, and so people don't ever really get to know him, which is what he ultimately wants. me, i love existing in the world (within measure), and i enjoy being enthusiastic and energetic in the world just because it's fun, not because of some "power-play" bullshit or anything involving attraction or impact. i'm pretty much detached from reality due to living in a bubble of my own making, which keeps distractions out of my life, and lets me focus on my work, my family life, my hobbies and health. my husband, he's been my biggest influence in that regard, as he's the one telling me to slow down, take some time out of work, relax and play, and not worry too much about things. he's neither meek nor strong, but chill, which is the energy i needed after a lifetime of fear.
in reality, me and my husband, we are both quite chill people. we talk about work, video games, mysteries, occultism, and all sorts of other topics we both are interested in. we aren't violent or intense with one another, but more of a cute, happy couple, mostly smiling and hugging and being comfy with one another, while sharing our days together with our lovely cat and our many research and design projects. i'm all about dreamy living, and this configuration is the thing of dreams. this kind of love is exactly the kind of thing i'd fantasize about when i was a little girl, because i lacked so much of that safety and relaxation then. when you don't have stability as a kid, either you replicate that madness, or you learn to escape it, and for me, finding my husband has been a escape from the nightmare.
still though, people will extrapolate and bring forth their own prejudices of what life must be like for a woman like me, which means making all these assumptions about my private life and goals. i sincerely hope that the people in my life who make these assumptions — if not fantasize about all sorts of wrong, twisted things about my private life — that they confront these projections and see what they're trying to seek by throwing these ridiculous stereotypes and ideations onto other people. there's always a chance that they're the ones that are seeking that sorta power, desire, chaos, and pain, out of some deep illusory envy or jealousy about the secret lives of others. as for me, i like free love, clarity, simplicity, truth and safety, because that's what i think is the path to true happiness. that's what my husband gives me, and i want nothing else.
EDIT: also, i lied, THIS is the most important video you will watch today.
i also bought a yellow sweater and another bodysuit cuz those are my favs to wear most days. i've avoided yellow and pink for most of my life, thinking that those are "girly girl" colors and that therefore they're not fit for my grungey self, but seeing them on me, i think the color matches my body's palette perfectly. it's wonderful to feel comfortable in your body and in your fashion, i think that's the dreamiest of feelings and people should pay more attention to such things. as for me, this is my dreamhouse, folk're just dreaming in it u‿u
also, this is the most important video you will watch today.
i was sad so i used some of this month's earnings to buy pink sweaters. this has been a ミblog postミ☆
also the criteria for neocities to update a website's card seems entirely arbitrary idgi
we're out of quarantine and uuuh we went out for cheesecake and fancy coffee drinks to go. what a fine day, walking in Santiago, seeing my beloved town and all the goofy characters out there inna streets. what a life, what a wonderful life to live u‿u
it's like, Twin Peaks starts as a satire of soap operas, but by the second half of Season 2, there's characters literally doing soap opera-y revenge plot shenanigans. like, "hiring my conniving sister-in-law as our maid as revenge" type Venezuelan telenovela type bullshit. there's still some decent characterization moments here and there for the more interesting characters, but everything else just gets so dumb lmfao. only 10 episodes away from the season finale though, i must endure this garbage for now…………
edit: oh, also…
marscat swarmlake domination worldwide ミ☆
i'm getting closer, almost top 200, but still not there yet, so i gotta keep going… except i stopped playing Swarmlake and now i'm rewatching Twin Peaks for the first time since i was 17, so uuuuh 12 years later? god i'm old lmfao
facebook keeps recommending me e-girl-type clothes, as if that's what i'd like to wear. between this and friends insisting on telling me that i should dress like that, i feel like this is some kind of PSYOP to turn me into a streamer or ig influencer. instead i'mma keep dressing like an extra in a nü metal band music video and not using social media because that keeps the goblins away. remember, it's only the power of goodness that can defeat the goblins *fades away*
edit: i hope scientists can discover and explain one day why i feel such a constant urge to interrupt my husband's day with absolutely nothing of use or interest. i for one don't understand why i do this…
way later edit: i'm at that point in which Twin Peaks becomes a bunch of gibberish, and man i hate this so much lmfao this is just garbage u‿u
still taking a break from work, feeling way better though! also…
i used to be a top 25 player on Swarmlake, until they changed the core gameplay and resetted the whole global leaderboard. now i'm trying to reach the top 25 once again. so, how's that going?
that's how it's going. top 300. good enough for only having played like 3 total hours since the leaderboard reset. so yeah, slowly getting there… here's hoping i can make it once again!
woke up extremely sick. i think trying to reach deadlines while being this sick is an exercise in self-harm. i can barely work without such tremendous pressure, so of course it doesn't help. i think it'd be better to let things take the right amount of time they need to happen, rather than force myself to work hard when i can barely get out of bed. ultimately, what matters the most is to work happily, and if pressure isn't conductive to it — guess it rarely is — then it's not worth it. life is too short to live it badly.
spicy ramen tbh tbh tbh
Personal Best on Super Tetris 3:
gonna aim for 400 lines next time. gotta start recording myself playing eventually, but when i get something actually record-worthy.
most people will never know the feeling of giving yourself a dozen Steam achievements just by pressing random keyboard buttons but then again most people won't become game developers either
wearing huge baggy clothes cuz it's still winter here. i'm stopping from working on the Shooti: Epic Pew-pew Space Saga for a couple days so i can play minecraft. anyway love u byeee~e!
Edit: also Run-D.M.C.'s self-titled album good. people don't seem to care about that early hip-hop as much anymore, but i'm a huge fan of that era in the genre. go listen to more of that stuff, it's fun!
Edit 2: Wow I can't stop editing this i'm so bored lol but uuuuuh Feed the Kitty is the best Chuck Jones short imo. I used to think it was One Froggy Evening, and while that's still a masterpiece of animation, Feed the Kitty hits all my emotions bro it's so good look at that tiny cat go bro i'm crying bro help ;ω;
today i sorted my NES roms, in the way I sorted my SNEs roms before. quite happy with how they turned out.
i also watched Gisaburō Sugii's adaptation of Kenji Miyazawa's Night on the Galactic Railroad. wrote about it on my letterboxd anime list, but in short i hated it so much. it lacks everything good about the original story — i explained it better there. in any case, if you're reading this: please don't watch it, read the original story.
but yeah, there's nothing i hate more than someone taking something beautiful and making it somber and boring just to try to be more "artistic". not only that, but by trying to make it into a more existential sort of tale, it completely destroyed the narrative arc that the protagonist goes through, so now it doesn't even make sense. Miyazawa wanted to inspire happiness in all men, the anime wants to cling to people's misery for acclaim. choose happiness, i sez.
basically been reading, and watching movie adaptations, of every Kenji Miyazawa work i've been able to find. i am obsessed with his work. Ihatovo Monogatari was just the introduction to a whole world of dreamy, goofy, adorable, morally strong AND emotionally deep stories and images. Particularly loved Night on the Galactic Railroad (the short story), Ihatovo Fantasy: Kenji's Spring (the Shōji Kawamori anime biopic), and The Restaurant of Many Orders (both the original short story and the animated adaptation by Kihachiro Kawamoto and Tadanari Okamoto). there's something about Miyazawa's work that relates hard to my life experience as an artist, and inspires me to be a better, more resilient and peaceful person. a life of being half asleep and half awake through the fantasy of dreams and the fantasy of life, that's the path. i really hope more people came to realize this…
Ihatovo Monogatari is one of the greatest video games ever made. go get the ROM's translation and play it now.
playing minecraft while switching from gamemodes is way more fun — survival mode for the adventuring, creative mode for the busywork that isn't actually fun, like fixing cave systems, decorating and such. i'm gonna see if i can make a keyboard shortcut toggle thing to change modes on the fly. but yeah, now that i'm playing it like this, i'm actually having too much fun. basically played all day for two, three days. but it's monday now, so i gotta start working on Kid MarsCat's Space Pew-Pew Extravaganza 2020. got 28 issues left outta 234 issues we've registered so far on the git project. the main problem is, some of the bosses (about 3 or 4) only exist as a bunch of assets in a folder and some whimsical ideas about gameplay that haven't been properly designed per se, and it's my job to decide what does what and goes where… so i will today C:
on another note… whenever i see an American or Japanese movie about highschoolers, and see the kinda tropes that dominate high school dramas, i really wonder whether i was lucky enough to go to the one bully-free classroom in the world, or if my perspective is skewed because i was "popular", or (and this is my hypothesis at the moment) whether kids that were bullied see their highschool experience as one being dominated by that bullying aspect, and they replicate those experiences in their fiction works.
see, some of my friends (mostly dudes) speak of being bullied for "liking videogames/anime/alternative music", and i don't doubt their experiences, the bullying obviously had long-lasting effects in their personalities and social skills, but… in my experience, all kind of kids were into all sorts of things in one way or another.
take anime, for example. all the soccer-playing kids were into Dragon Ball Z, Slam Dunk and Captain Tsubasa, probably cuz they saw themselves reflected on that sorta stuff. everyone watched Pokemon, Doraemon and Detective Conan. at least all the girls saw Sailor Moon, i'd say about half of them saw Cardcaptor Sakura. when Neon Genesis Evangelion premiered on TV, that was like an event, everyone was talking about it.I guess that's the benefit of having anime on national television. of course, there were some girl weebs on the class, and they probably saw way more anime than all of us combined, but they pretty much isolated themselves to their small group of friends, and if they were unpopular, it was more because they isolated themselves and were kinda socially awkward in general. even then, there was no hate, only distance.
you know, transferring schools is kind of a gamble — either you're gonna adapt or you're gonna be ostracized just because you're an "outsider". i transferred in fourth grade, and surely i was teased for half a year — i was too much of a polite, sheltered kid, but i made the conscious decision to try to fit in better and start behaving more like the other kids. i sat next to the "beauty queen" in the classroom, and we talked about horror movies. one of the best soccer players in class would stop me in recess to talk to me about his (literal) dreams, and i would analyze them with him. my closest friends were the "misfits" in class, but they all either had good grades, were good at some sport, or were pretty normal kids overall. sure, there were some jokes here and there, some really nasty pranks, but i remember everyone being friendly and chill, and most things would be forgotten in a while.
but i also think about those awkward kids, that kinda isolated themselves, had a general bad attitude, and generally weren't liked by many. i think about this kid that was basically a tattletale, and would ruin the fun for the rest of the class, and of course he was hated. and i'm sure that, if you talked to him now, he probably would say that school sucked, that people are mean, that we were a bunch of bullies… but, the dude just had a bad energy to him, and that affected all the interactions he had with other kids. the weebs, the effeminate kids, the edgey emo kids, they clashed hard, but there was as much a push coming from them as a pushback coming from the rest of us.
and i feel bad because i AM a weirdo. a part of me wanted to explain to them that i was much more like them than the rest — i was a queer kid with nerdy interests and an oddball personality, the only saving grace is i had social skills. i shoulda been bullying victim #1, for liking goofy metal bands, playing too many videogames, having a weird sense of humor. hell, my favorite stuff to watch as a kid weren't so much cartoons, but sketch shows, sitcoms and weird movies, which made me the lone comedy fan in the entire school. but since i was sociable, smart and jokey with everyone, people just vibed. of course, i was the one that wouldn't pay much attention to other people. i still am kind of a loner, not much out of awkwardness but because i kinda don't even bother trying to be likeable or relatable, but that has never stopped me from meeting people and having lots of friends. i just kinda don't give a shit.
sadly, a lot of my interactions as an adult in the entertainment biz has been with adults that were bullied as kids, and have had a kind of warped understanding of the world and themselves ever since. i've struggled hard to connect with people like that, because unlike them i pretty much live without much worry, assuming most people to be essentially nice. sure, being "naturally aloof" gets kinda lonely when you enjoy talking with people once in a while, but i don't live from the notion that people will be put off by me or my personality — i tend to be the one that isolates themself from the world. and yet i find myself clashing hard with so many other artists and nerds, because they… just see the world like the enemy, when to me, the world is a land of adventure and new friendships, even with me barely bothering to be social. hell, even my experience of the internet — which is my preferred social hub lately, cuz lazy lol — has been one of going from one group to another, meeting new people, learning new things, and then moving on when the time comes, or things end up being poisoned by the very same types i am describing here.
anyway, i sincerely hope that more people find themselves reconsidering the worldview they formed as kids, and learning that bullying doesn't have to determine your whole life experience!
aside but, what's weird is that my mum assumed me to be antisocial and unpopular for the longest time just because i didn't talk a lot about my friends or my social life in general, even when i was seeing like a dozen friends every week. i kinda abstained from dating people for the longest time too, with my husband only being like my fifth romantic partner in 30 years, the first man too — only dated girls before that. bet that made me look like a weirdo to her. sincerely though, i kinda only really wanted to date because i felt a "social imperative" to be dating. if i had ignored that, i would probably have skipped like three of those relationships entirely, and woulda been just as happy. i really do love working more than most things in life. damg lol.
i did play minecraft but then i stopped cuz 3 hours of cave digging just to find a safe exit from my underground bunker in which i could find sheep to murder for their wool so i could finally make a goddamn bed and have a respawn point… it was fun until it wasn't, and that's when the video game is over.
play videogames? haha nah, i worked out and did some skin treatment stuff instead. I can't play videogames. I was so close to clicking play on Minecraft and I couldn't. I opened Aseprite and drew some assets for the game. i can't be lazy, and that's a serious flaw in my character. today i will try to be lazy again, i'm a bit sick so i'd be better off avoiding work anyway. i really hope this time i can just be mindless and useless and be content living like this, if only for a day…
alas… i have nothing to work on right now. at least nothing i have the mind to do at the moment. so instead i'm gonna try doing something special: relaxing and playing videogames. wow, can you do that? well, i hope i can do that… i'd rather be working, tbh…
i like to be open about my interest and formation in occultism because i sincerely don't think there's any point to secrecy anymore, not now that "God is Dead" for most people and symbolic institutions are all in ruins. every "sacred text" i've read (under guidance of a couple masters, and through my own research) you can find through a coupla clicks on google, archive dot org, and websites dedicated to occultism archivism, so even moreso there's no point to keeping quiet about these matters anymore. you can find entire wikipedia articles describing rituals, initiation rites, meanings of symbols, — fairly accurately too! — and practically anything you need to know to begin pondering these matters, and start working on the Works.
what you lack — what the world lacks, as modernity continues onward — is people who actually understand these things, have gone through the Works, and can guide others into finding their own paths as well. even the Temples themselves lack the kind of heroic, well-formed people that could instill the knowledge into new adepts, relying entirely on old dinosaurs and their fanatics, lost souls that can't let go of their historical positions as leaders in these institutions; a bunch of "masters" in-name only, that know the theory but have never done the practice. and so, if you follow the Path, you will be mostly misguided by Egos and power struggles, and you won't come any closer to actually reaching the divine. it's all just a sad waste of time…
even sadder is the internet's relationship to occultism, as it's been poisoned by /x/ board types that wanna see evil and conspiracy everywhere, from institutions to art, to feel like the "true saviors" saving the common man from "hidden evil". it's apocalyptic circlejerk shit, fairly godless and profane, the kinda shit that literal actual cults thrive on. and these conspiranoids assholes, they're all in it for the idol worship, because, again, Egos and power struggles. you will find lunatic prophets in the temples, in the streets, the schools, and the worst parts of the internet too. and if you choose to believe these stupid motherfuckers, with their second-hand Infowars-level knowledge of occultism, then this waste of time is not sad but actually really fucking funny, and the joke's on you.
and even if you ignore the fake masters, the hobo lunatics, and the stupid people that follow them, and you choose to search the world for allies in this Quest, those truly worthy of your heroism, you won't have much luck with the wandering wise men either. see, when you're destined to walk adrift through this world, forsaken by the temples and ignored by the peoples, it's too easy to fall prey to a hatred of everything in it that threatens you. in all sincerity, being wise is not the easiest life to lead in this world — as such Zarathustra spoke! but… (and this is not my knowledge speaking, but me talking straight from the heart)… to me, the true faith can only be achieved by a true love of the world, a clear Will, and trust in [your] God. be happy, have faith, fight with grace. doing any Works that result in success in anything but the spiritual, those are failures, not triumphs. for there's a lot of success to be had in the modern world, but few of it actually feeds the Heart, seethes the Soul and illuminates the Mind. will you be taught to act in such a way by any masters? I don't know, I certainly don't see enough people living like this anymore, and true heroism seems to be long dead…
me, I ain't for cults — I'm like a double Groucho Marx: rejected from any Temple I did like, not interested in any Temple that would like me. so i have no Home except my home. maybe this might change if I'm ever recognized, not for my intelligence, talent or hard work, but from being a chill gal just trying to have fun and make the world a happier place. this hasn't happened, this might never happen, but i'm at peace with this. why? because I live good already. I was lost but now I've found a path. It's a dumb path. funny fantasy pew-pew games and bleepity bloop music doesn't sound as grandiose as great fortune and political influence, but it's a happier life than most people I've met in the spheres of power. i might go as far as to say that I reject power for I only believe in the power that can be acquired through the natural current of energy in the universe, and that I'm only as powerful as any monkey that finds a particularly sturdy stick. that's enough power. I have magical rocks that can turn goofy pixel art into fantastical worlds of wonderment. that's the true power, to me.
as for the world… maybe these notions of good living can be instilled upon modern men, not through cults or temples, but just by sheer joy of being in the world. after all, I'm not the Great Avatara, I'm perfectly happy with my name being forgotten after I'm dead, if not even sooner — God, please forget me already! no, i don't want people to learn good living just so they can keep a picture of me in their wallet. i want people to live goodly because, MAN, it's so nice to experience love, joy, wonderment, faith and true happiness in this already beautiful, joyful, fascinating little world. forget me, but don't forget that joy. that's the only thing that ultimately matters. good work and good living. not the most "creepy conspiracy" ever, but certainly my kind of conspiracy upon the world…
…busy offline working on the funny fantasy pew-pew game…
he he hello, i have exciting news. i'm featured on a song by my mate LUUDUS and it's finally out on Spotify and Bandcamp! You can hear my whisper-y girly girl vocals on the third verse of the song "Suppressors.Desperate.Standoffs", dancing on top of LUUDUS's heavy glitchy beats and alien vocals. It's quite cool, if u ask me. Also embedded below so you can just click buttons and enjoy art ♡
most importantly: it's 5 pm, im hungry, i spent the whole night sorting my SNES ROMs collection by genre, and also played a buncha obscure Japanese games that sometimes sucked, sometimes not, and I went to bed at like 8 am, and then had dreams about a dating show in which a dude has to choose which of the three beautiful women in the show will get to kill him, presented by one of my artist friends. I wish my artist friend would make the show, for pretensies. I don't stan moiderers.
I asked a psych once if I had autism and he refuted it, saying i was just heller smart. i look back upon my life and i'm not really sure anymore…
Edit: Also I guess I'm not on vacation anymore as I'm working on RetroShooti and my other gamedev stuff, and some other smaller projects. I'm back in the game, baby ミ☆
both my tumblr and newgrounds profiles kinda blew up big so instead i'm abstracted from online, spending time with my husband, chatting and checking that [big thing that happened with the thing and the other thing] together for treasure, and i've also been making pixel art and programming for another gamedev project. my job for "the company" right now is to make decent game prototypes and then perfect them with my husband. this one, i might be able to complete on my own. the code implementations are pretty much trivial. still, i'll stop working on it when it stops being fun — smart philosophy of life to have!
today is one of those days in which i feel more like a sentient doll than a person. i think that's why i like seeing signs of old age and hard work on my body, it helps me feel like i'm more real. my skin is too soft and clean, my eyes are too bright-colored and glass like. my hairs are too perfectly dark and thick. all those things combined make me feel like i'm frozen in time, and i've felt like that for too damn long, i wanna become a rugged adult already! does that sound crazy? haha
i wanna go be pretty somewhere but i don't know where, nor know what i would do about it. i'm tired of being pretty for beauty's sake, i wanna do something with it. and if i don't find something worth doing with it, then i will do nothing with it, and that's perfectly oke. but i do understand it has value… who knows what beauty is really good for anyway?
if you find yourself complaining about [thing] all the time, while [thing] is actually only optional and you can stop any time you want, how about stop using [thing]? there's a whole world of things outside of [thing] that you might actually learn to appreciate after you stop building your life around [thing]. trust me, there's more to life than [thing]!
also i forgot to mention this but i uploaded the complete Chzo Mythos series by Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw to archive dot org, so now you can download and play the whole thing without having to search the whole internet for every game, short story and text adventure thingy!
Edit: also decided to clean-up AND sort in reverse the blog so that the latest post is at the top, so that it's easier to use. for whom? who knows, i don't write these for them to be read lol…
the shorts i wanted arrived from the online shop. they're perfect, but they're gonna be even more perfect when the summer comes here C:
also i made a tumblr for my pixel art so maybe go chk that out if u like pixel art ok bye!
Edit: OK so chk this out:
that's 11,111 hours using Aseprite. that's 493 days. that's wild lol
man, the outside world is exhausting…
deleted my instagram as it doesn't bring me any joy anymore. also i feel strongly against websites that don't have organic growth mechanisms. say, compare itchy o's with newgrounds. we uploaded RetroShooti to the former and we had to get people to the page for them to actually play it, and even then there was little to no engagement. on the other hand, we uploaded RetroShooti to newgrounds and it instantly got featured on lists and top tens and such, and people are leaving comments all the time and actually engaging with the game actively. if i am to keep using the internet — and i will, cuz i love this alternative dimension so so so so much — i will only be using websites that foster cultures like the latter rather than the former. that's my Philosophy of the World rn
is there anything more tragic than buying some cute tops and then realizing you have nothing in your closet to combine them with? probably, but i'm still hurting… but, today i just got a nice coupon and got a pair of shorts and some sandals with it. god i love buying clothes, it's wild that i'm just figuring this out about myself, fr fr fr fr
also retroshooti (demoscene version) is now on newgrounds. yup u‿u
keep trying not to work on stuff. end up working on stuff anyway. there's got to be more to life than working, but i've yet to figure it out. i don't even think i have a real hobby, but i'm eager to discover one, hopefully soon so i'm not as bored with all this free time...
husband found the first grey hair on my head ever. i'm becoming an old lady, and that's wonderful if u ask me ;ω;
edit: also this
alchemy is da process of combining tomato sauce (da active element), pasta (da passive element) and da meatballs (da body) into spaghetti and meatballs (da philosopher's lunch), mamma mia!
my clothes finally arrived. they're super hot. been wearing one of my new pink crop tops since. the psychic energy of pink appears to be the last missing ingredient for the self-contained ideal self i've been striving to achieve, and i'm extremely happy to see the dream be fully manifested.
tried to read Wilhelm Reich's The Sexual Revolution but reading it proved to be very not hot, and i refuse to engage with any literature or art about sex that isn't inherently erotic itself, on the basis that any notion must be self-evident. some people might not understand why I'm so fond of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged but it's as simple as the fact that the book is, as a physical object, big and sexy, and that the prose in it — once you realize it, it's not readily apparent until a couple chapters in — is also big and sexy, and therefore self-evident of the ideals that the book promotes. i would say the same of Paglia's work, and films like Belle de Jour (current favorite) or Showgirls (old favorite), which say, sound and look like the thing they're saying, the medium is the erotic object of the message and viceversa. so yeah, self-completeness is essential to both prose and existence, anything else is larping, and therefore not hot. we must become the instrument for our own desire, that's the only true heroism, the only true hotness.
Edit: Reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra, I found this passage that in itself summates my relationship to the kind of philosophy that doesn't manifest its own ideal:
Of all that is written I love only what a man has written with his blood. Write with blood, and you will experience that blood is spirit.
And so goes I.
Chris-chan's "Lego Ice Cream Truck set" story is a masterpiece of surrealism, a work of tremendous psychic content. I wish I had lots of money to buy the rights for this and then turn it into a silent film. The story is included below:
I feel compelled to tell the short story I made up just now, based on the Lego Ice Cream Truck set; the Fitness Fanatic included is You. She says, "Ooh. I am a fitness fanatic. I insult everyone else who is even a millimeter wider than am. I came with an Ice Cream Truck, so I will stop and eat all the ice cream I want. Nom nom nom. Wow, I am soo trim like a beach ball." Scene: interior: her home. "Philip, I'm home", she says as she rolls in through the door. Phillip approaches and greets her. "Hey... WOAH! Wow." Then he thinks, "I could get easily crushed under that." Then he says to her, "Okay, bye now." Then he cartwheels out the door with a la-lala-lala-lala. Then she groans sadly. "Everyone else is fatter than me," she disillusions herself into believing at that moment. End.
That's it, bye for now!
it hasn't been that long ago that certain kinds of minority representation were impossible, so it's normal that this historical repression is now resulting in a lot of art that focus less on telling good stories or providing a good artistic experience, but rather on being bold and blunt about minority experiences as a cultural "payback" for those centuries of erasure. eventually time will go on and you will see two outcomes to these current cultural trends: normalization, and a reappraisal of our output as a civilization and era. we will benefit from the exposure to minority experiences until these kind of stories aren't seen as different from the stories people used to tell before, enough that we might see these experiences be featured in more conventional, mainstream works, but also we will only really continue celebrating the greater works that came from this cultural time, and ignore the crappier, more propagandistic ones, while recognizing the value of their existence as a stepping stone to more tolerant times. i'd consider that a win-win, which in my book justifies the existence of even the crappiest minority-centric art, as it will pave the way for better artists to make better things one day. it's not like the majority doesn't make terrible art all the time anyway...
anyway i've been really sad lately cuz one of my projects is gonna take like 4x longer than i planned to, so instead i'm gonna focus on smaller things and hopefully finish something already lol
future marscat here. i just have one thing to say: if you gotta remove red crosses from old games, or your own gamedev projects, because geneva convention shenanigans, uuuuh how about use a heart. hearts are an universal and traditional symbol for life, health, etc. that's what we do in ReSh (the medkits themselfs are inspired by Doom and Duke Nukem 3D) and i think it looks heller cuter than an ugly pill. that's my take. bye now!
wow, tomorrow took a long time!
i wanna say this because, if anyone ever reads this, and if there's one thing i'd like the whole world to know about me, it's this:
i really love being a woman. being a woman is one of the hardest things i've ever done. being a woman is also one of the most beautiful things that have ever happened to me. the kind of closeness i've achieved to other women in my life, the friendships i've forged with my sisters, that's something i will always cherish in my heart. some people paint the idea that being a woman is a path of suffering, and there's some of that, sure, but it's also inherently beautiful. i love being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a wife. and it's not even the beauty: i could be ugly, i could be deformed, i could be broken and bound to the ground, i could be scarred and damaged, and being a woman would still be the most wonderful thing in my life, every day, forever.
some men think being a woman is inherently weak, denigrating, pathetic, fragile, even stupid. those men have never known the mysteries hidden behind a woman's face, the worlds within us, the boundless beauty we can grow in and around us. for there's magic within us, divinity in both our skin, divinity in our minds, divinity in our souls, if we allow it to be within us. i've discovered this in many of my sisters, listening to their words, in both feeling and thought and prayer. my sisters inspire me to be better, to be powerful, to be free. and that's all my sisters: regardless of where you came from, what you were before or what you might become, if you're in tune with femininity divine, you are a sister to us all.
sadly, i've also seen women be reduced to the bare minimum of their femininity, mere servants of masculinity, dependant, subjugated, humilliated. for these women, slaves of the world, i just wish them to be free as well: to find value within themselves, not from what they can do for men or the world, but their inherent beauty, as given to us by our nature. and like wolves, we are most alive when we are allowed to roam, explore, play in the shadows, united with all the nature in this world. this connection to divinity, to our bodies and to nature around us, that's our destiny, our home, our paradise, and every woman must discover a place in the world in which they feel like they've found their true origin.
some of us might be struggling, some of us might be crying, bleeding, being pushed to our limits, but as long as we don't forget the beauty within us, we will have hope.
thank you for reading, tomorrow (that is, the next time i remember to update this lol) i'll try to be less cosmic :P
i'm quite fond of the Tetsuya Nomura redesign for the AVGN. my official statement: i think it's hot. personally i would go even further, add more chains and pockets, maybe a giant sword or two.
because i never learn my lesson, i bought an embarassing amount of clothes and accessories. i really hope this time they don't "lose" any items and actually bring every product to my apartment. what's most important is that about half of my new clothes are gonna be pink, because i decided to go full Barbie, fuck da wolrd.
also i ate a crapton of subway food and now i don't wanna eat anything anymore. i like this "only eat one or two meals per day" mode. i gained a bit of weight but i'm otherwise stable around 73. i'm sure i'll be going below that in a month or so u‿u
i wish i had an electroacoustic guitar so i can record a country album, i've been wanting to do this for so long i just never have enough money, and... food and clothes are a priority considering i've bought clothes for myself less than 10 times in my life (60% of my closet is hand-me-downs from my older sister and my mum, and stuff that's like 5 to 20 years old, i'm hella poor :C), and i gotta eat too so it's not like i can prioritize my music over any of that ;m; ... on some level i feel like i should go tell my followers to donate some music or buy my shit but this feels like the worst time to do that... iunno it's not that important.
still working on retroshooti, remaking the whole other 75% that's not available in the demo. it's coming to be really great, like, sometimes it feels like an entirely different game, and that's dope.
see ya tomorrow!
new article: FOUND MEDIA: Sourcing the Anime Posters in Shadow Warrior (1997)
I'll be documenting some of my other findings regarding lost, found and obscure media on my Medium. I already do these kinda investigations as a hobbie, but sometimes what I find out is so interesting or useful, I wanna share them with other people. I considered doing a video series about it or something but I kinda don't know if I could pull that off on top of being a developer, musician, artist, blah bleh bluh. Even if I end up doing these as videos, it's cool to have them in text form too so it's all cool…
it was raining this morning but i missed out on it. that's sad. i spent the whole night watching creepy online mystery type videos and then i flel asleep. i wish i could find more Horror Themed YouTube Channels That Don't Suck™ but it ain't as easy. I hate sensationalism, i hate uninformed speculation, i hate ARGs and creepypastas, i hate childish nonsense. i like creepy stuff that is interesting, or crazy, or emotionally resonant. that's the rare stuff, sadly...
...working on ReSh...
🡆 three things (memories, selfies, how much they care)
im writing this post from the future. yeah, that's it. haha.
pretty wild how i just ate ribs and some french fries and that's it for a whole day. my appetite is non-existent. i feel less anxious too, almost as if life is truly wonderful rn…
this whole "self-destruction of western civilization" feels quite biblical, and much like the Deluge, i feel like it's ultimately good. what is heroic and divine will survive, what is rotten will fall apart and disappear. that's good. less good is that the waters seem to be taking some good things with them too, sometimes even more than the bad things. i hope the world finds a balance soon…
updated the mesmerize records bandcamp community page thing. go there if you want music recommendations!
the neocities editor gets really confused by links that point to a page with a ? or & on the url. should get fixed hopefulley.
im mega baby i dont wanna get outta this room or this bed ok bye love you support dark elven bye
…spending most of the day chatting with my husband… today i ate ribs for the first time, they were neat… now we are talking about horror video games… life is quiet today…
…can't write, life is happening…
made a letterboxd list for what is basically my favorite initiation stories in film. i have a background on traditionalist studies, as any proper artist should, and i tend to seek films that narrate a very particular kind of story, that is very rare both in western and eastern art. i'm talking about stories in which a character either fully realizes into their archetype; or, having already realized themselves, have to find themselves confronting other archetypes and mysteries in the world. i prefer these kind of stories because they avoid the mundanity of human conflict and melodrama, but rather seek to speak about growth, wisdom and divine power, which I myself vibe hard with as they're my main preoccupations in life. the list is heavily on spoilers though, so beware! otherwise, iunno, i hope you can watch these films and learn a bit about your own psyche and how to control it and use it to achieve your highest potential, which is what all men should strive for. blablabla, i'm still eating sopaipillas and getting fat and being a giant lazy cat.
A L S O
the fact that hideaki anno is only known in the west as "the eva guy" rather than the japanese master that made "love & pop", "shiki-jitsu", "cutie honey" and "shin godzilla", speaks of how little curiosity people have beyond the depression-stroking of their egos they get from the woe-is-me immature anime show they saw in their teenage years. hideaki anno is, to me, up there with kitano, kurosawa and ozu, and yet most people don't even bother with his work past their favorite animu trash. smh my fucking head.
really struggling with the lack of spicy ramen options in the city, due to the preventive measures surrounding the pandemic. i miss that stuff so much, it was a monthly staple and now i'm having to put spicy sauces and spices on my cheapo ramen cups like an animal. i will be so happy if i ever get to eat that stuff again...
Edit 1: also added a favicon to this page now C:
Edit 2: 1200 movies on Letterboxd. That's like 40 movies a year for every year of my life. That's wild to me, since I don't even like movies.
Edit 3: I thought I could last the whole fall/winter period of the year without being tempted to eat sopaipillas and empanadas, but I succumbed to the temptation. It's fucking sopaipilla time, baby.
el husbando got me a strawberry lip balm and i'm loving it so much. i gotta use more products on my lips, they're too big and tend to dry up a lot, gotta do better mantainance of them from now on.
there seems to be a huge problem with SEO referral spam and bandcamp, enough that the "sources" that for my label shows mostly just fake websites rather than any legitimate links from other websites. sucks u_u
my irl projects didn't go anywhere, i'm starting to think that i can't rely on people being able to dream as big as me. lots of people will choose to make safer choices, and that's their prerogative. gonna continue planning my future with only my husband and cat in mind, everything else will fall into place later.
the feedback on RetroShooti has been overall really positive. i'm finally starting to feel like i made a game. i think this is one of the things i'm the most proud, and i sincerely can't wait to finish it and be able to share the full version with the world. my husband is working super hard on completing the coding part of the game, while i got one song and some other small assets to finish. we're so close to completion now, it's incredible…
summer days are breezy, we can take it easy at the
everything's fantastic when you're made of plastic at the
forever friends, forever sun, forever young
everyone's excited, you're always invited to the
batteries included, that's just how we do it at the
come with me down to the sand and the sea, we're catching waves all day
build castles on the beach with shades on our eyes… and then we'll head straight home to accessorize
that's how life goes in the
yesterday i ate hawaiian pizza for the second time in my life. i really love the taste, i think it's probably on my top 3 favorite pizza varieties. i'm probably gonna start trying more simple pizzas in the future, i think the flavors are more distinct compared to the types we usually get
i was gonna post an essay on female beauty but my husband came to the beedroom to spend half the day with me and i got hella distracted lol. might finish the article tomorrow or later, but i kinda just wanna chill and watch old Best of the Worst episodes and relax.
and finally, here's a list of my favorite instagram babes. been wanting to put this list somewhere cuz i think it says a lot about my worldview, philosophy and sense of taste. i respect and admire the work that these girls put on being so gorgeous, like a painter admires the masters, or like a musician admires great composers. beauty is an extremely demanding art, one that takes an unimaginable kind of physical effort to manifest, and anyone who can achieve this level of execution is worthy of my admiration. they're, in my opinion, the most beautiful and unique women on instagram and i'm inspired by their careers and bodies.
i will be updating this blog with some other gorgeous girls i find on instagram. now, don't assume this is the only kind of beauty that i appreciate, i think all types of beauty are, well, beautiful, but these are the ones that i think achieve that high level of excellence that i admire and aspire to approximate, even if just on a lesser degree. i'd love to discover beautiful women from other races and cultures, but it's been hard to find these to begin with (some of these i wouldn't even have discovered if not for my husband, actually!). as you can see, it's not a kind of "fashion" beauty, or neotenic beauty, but something less clinical, more mature and sensual, which is what i admire the most. that's rarer than i'd like, sadly…
god, women are beautiful… i'll shut up now lol
74 kg. just 4 kg to go, and then phase two starts ミ☆
god, i missed talking with people. maybe i should start adding more people to my telegram, it's nice to have a chat once in a while and i gotta make myself more available.
also holy shit hilde osland's latest pics. it fucks me up how beautiful this girl is. now that is excellence in performance.
i tried to do a thing for my bandcamp label's community page where people could submit their own stuff and i'd showcase it, but i only got two submissions. they weren't bad records, but they're far from the kinda stuff i like to listen to. very jammy indie rock-y garage-y stuff, i've listened to enough of that in my early 20s so it does nothing for me. that's just a matter of taste tho, i'll admit that. i'll probably do something else instead i think.
anyway. life's good, life's sexy, life's fun, even with the pandemic shit, this has been one of the best years of my life, and it's not even over u‿u can't wait to see what comes next!
that is all ミ♡
EDIT: One of my favorite games ever, "C. Kane" is now free/pay what you want on itch.io. Get it now!
new article: blackness.
on unrelated news: 76 kg. Only 6 kg to go. I keep reading about people gaining "quarantine weight" and i was terrified that this would happen to me as well, since a lot of my physical activity before the pandemic was based around me going outside a lot. i miss walking 10 km a week, just exploring the city, visiting churches and my favorite eerie places in the city, i miss that life so much. i'm probably gonna double down on going out when this is over. there's so much more i wanna do, i can't wait to do it, it's gonna be awesome!
also honestly i think i'm enjoying this blog more than any social media site combined. it's just so much easier to talk when there's no pressure from a "following" that might or not "like" your post. even if you try to be sincere and straightforward, there's still some pavlovian type conditioning that influences the kinda stuff that you say or not. bet this is why most people are so boring on social media. i do miss some of my twitter friends, but i bet i will see them again one day. it's just a matter of letting the internet keep morphing, maybe a social media site that doesn't sucks will be developed in the next years…
starting to regret making the order of this page go from oldest to newest, but at the same time, i prefer it to be this way, it just feels easier to expand on. i did put a button at the top that jumps to the latest post and the exit, so that should be enough.
blableblibloblu ok bye!
hola bebes, how's things? i hope they're going well. i'm… offline, working on… basically "beauty-gender typology"-type philosophy stuff, lost on my own weirdo vortex. but things are good. life's heller sexy right now and i'm having so much learning about myself and my place in the world u‿u (i guess i mean "i've been meditating" but i can't language right lol)
also my tutorial map Vanilla Doom Actions is now on Doomworld /idgames, thanks to Rick "Red" Commandeur, who uploaded the file for me, since im too lazy to do it myself lmao. hopefully that might get that mapping resource into the hands of more Doom mappers wanting to learn what all them funky linedef and sector actions do.
LEARNING IS FUN, especially when it's conductive to RIPPING and TEARING and such other activities.
EDIT: also the map is now on the Doom Wiki, which is super cool as well! I know it's silly to consider it as such, but it feels like being part of Doom's history, even if just on the niche within a niche that is Vanilla Doom mapping :P
for a second i thought about stopping this blog-type thing, from a feeling that i'm not the kind of people that is expected to be on Neocities to begin with, but i kinda decided that it's good for this website to have different voices, even if those voices come from some conventionally pretty, popular, outgoing, happily married normie-like savage monkey dummass whateverthefuck this implausible goofball that i am is. hopefully i'll be able to be more candid and cheerful and nerdy and i might start vibing with more people around here, but that's for the rest of this website to decide i guess…
gonna try this again, the last update kinda sucked cuz i was sleepy and bored. now im wide awake from working out… and also still bored. ok so, random statements time go go go go:
ok that feels like more of an update. i promise not to make double-updating the norm in the future, i'd rather keep this clean. ok bye now
should I start posting new songs here? I'm gonna try it once, and see how it goes I guess :D
about 15 days ago I did a mash-up-y type cover of songs from both the Game Boy and Super Famicom soundtracks for "Heiankyo Alien", which is one of my favorite games ever. you can listen to the song below:
also i made an english patch for the Windows version of the same game, made by Hyperware in the late 90s.
anyway, i decided to focus my current efforts into an entirely new project, something i can do on my own and hopefully get done quickly using my own talents without the need of anyone else helping with it. blablelbe. i dont wanna talk, i wanna be quiet, it's raining, it's a good day for silence and meditation. have best day, close eyes sleep bye!
i'm finally not technically obese, and now i can officially state that i'm technically overweight lol. my measurements rn are… wait lemme make a table:
sure, i've been told i don't look obese, or even really overweight, but numbers don't lie, so i gotta keep working. this is less about how i look and more about making sure i don't end up like my dad, ending up in a coma cuz i can't stop eating and drinking soda, and just wasting my health and strength away. there's always a chance i look fatter than i can admit or see, so even moreso i gotta keep working.
so i gotta keep losing weight. tried counting calories, which was fun and really useful, but now i'm way too busy with work for it, so instead i'm just gonna start eating the recommended portions for every meal, and only eat like three-five different things a day, like i already am, something that's already working. i should stay around the 1200–1600 kcal range, like i've been in the last month, with no problem, especially since i end up undereating due to work anyway. still working out too, but mostly really cuz i get bored, cuz it feels good, and cuz i like the healthy glow it provides me with.
i'll probably never be fashion model-skinny, i just don't have the frame for it anyway, but i don't want to, never did. i like looking more like a female wrestler or a pin-up model, cuz it makes me feel strong, sensual, and pretty. not an excuse though, it's just, i don't wanna push myself to unrealistic standards, just to hit some abstract numeric goal, or some beauty ideal i don't even find attractive. i've never been tiny, i don't wanna be tiny, i don't even feel attracted to other girls when they're tiny. i just wanna feel like i can keep being active, comfortable, happy, and represent my ideals physically. i really feel like i'm getting there! ミ☆
finished watching GLOW. it was really fucking good, at least so far, and i'm already starting to miss it. can't wait to see the new season when it comes out. it's great to see comedy that actually deals with themes that relate to women and racial minorities in the US but without that condescending "look at these poor victims" type tone that preachy mfers tend to adopt when dealing with these subjects. celebrating people will always be more powerful than reducing them to their personal suffering.
thinking about starting a new business, something comedy related cuz i wanna go back to comedy. something about comedy makes me think i won't have to deal with any more artsy weirdos with their manic possessive bullshit, and that sounds great considering the horrible melodramas I've had to go through while working for
redacted and all the other hack frauds in our local film and video industry. doesn't depend on me though. my CV and track record might be good enough to prove i'm a worthy asset in this line of work, but i'm also broke as shit, so unless i get some hype going this might just prove to be a dead end. in any case, for the first time in a long time i feel like i have a longterm plan, so even if things don't work out, i can tweak things around and make it happen, even if on a smaller scale. i don't know, i'm rambling.
otherwise i'm burned out with work, so i'm gonna chill until i get confirmation. gotta replan my whole life anyway, so i gotta think a lot...
🡆 my experience with alcoholism
so yeah, anyway, i was feeling like dogshit this morning from yesterday's netflix and wine adventure but thank god i have months of sobriety to look forward too. i don't like hangovers, they stop me from working out, thinking straight, and making cool stuff. i still worked on some cool things, but even now i'm feeling lethargic and that sucks. really gotta cycle back with my CRSD so i start waking up in the morning like a normal person again. blablebleblablablele follow my ig i post selfie anyway bye
i've been avoiding the "drinking wine while watching serialized content" lifestyle because being a 30 year old unemployed artist with a manic personality was enough of a cliche for one lifetime, but finding myself entirely distanced from any person that could provide or assert any criticism for my way of living or my lifestyle choices, and since i don't have a bunch of prudish judgmental anime perverts around me gestapo'ing about like previous years, i've come to discover i can do whatever the fuck i want. in this context, doing whatever the fuck i want means drinking a cheap chardonnay and watching the first season of GLOW, which i've postponed for too long a time but that i knew from premise alone would be one of my favorite shows ever, and so it is, and im having a wonderful time about it.
dont get me wrong, i woulda probably done this too even with the judgmental perverts around me, since i clearly cant give much of a shit about what people think about me outside the context of me trying to improve people's lives, but i just wouldnt have felt as liberated and morally justified about it as i do right now.
having fun is fun. some miserable people will tell you it's actually wrong but they're miserable so you shouldn't listen to them.
gonna stop complaining here. not because i think im wrong, but because i feel like i already got it outta my system, so now i can be positive online again. fuck all, it's fun times now!!
i wrote a long thing here, but i deleted it because i actually acted upon it and now i have something else to say: if you're unsure about something weird, difficult or bad that happened between you and another person a long time ago and you want closure, just reach out. most things in life can be solved, and achieved, by reaching out. don't be afraid of people, they're just clever monkeys with thumbs, just like you… and that's the beauty of humanity if you ask me!
also gosh, my friend Ana is so cool, it's unreal. we talked about my game ReSh, and she said some really nice things about it, which i was not expecting at all, and now i feel super hyped about the possibility of the game actually being able to find an audience of happy goofy gamers that want a game as happy and goofy as them. it's worth trying!
yeah i guess in a way this page has gotten super angry very quick haha but it's honestly because i've seen a lot of complete fucking bullshit for the longest time and i've said nothing about it, trying to stay quiet and stay away from all the horrible dumb creepy ridiculous nonsense i've been seeing in the last few years, but eventually you gotta vent this shit somewhere, and this feels like the best place for it, because it's optional, and that means only those who wanna read this will read it.
still tho, eventually i'm gonna run out of crazy nonsense to complain about and this is gonna be more positive, i promise…
i don't think game jams are for me. i think if you're like a dude that gets up everyday to sit in front of the computer and work work work until the day is over, then game jams are exactly the kinda proactive stuff you should be trying to participate in. me, i spend way too much time of my day taking care of my body, my diet, my clothes, meditating, dealing with people, etc. there are only so many hours in a day i guess… i just hadn't realized how much time it takes me to just be a person in the first place. so i won't put myself under that pressure. if i can make the time, i will submit my project, if not, then that's fine too :D
i wanna say this too: the one thing i dislike about social media is the assumption that friendly people have to follow each other to actually be considered "friendly" with one another. i think that taking that kind of invisible social pressure for granted when dealing with people online is an emotional crutch. it might be easy to rely on a system that's already in place, but it's not necessarily healthy or helpful. i think smart people should go about dismantling systems that rely on passive pressure and invisible laws that only make sense in the framework of insecurity and neuroticism. you shouldn't have to rely on social pressure to connect with other people; you should try to build direct connections built on sincerity and straightforwardness, and put more value on historical positive interactions rather than social status check systems like being "followed back."
on a final note, i wanna say that playing around with ESRGAN is incredibly fun. been upscaling my own pixel art, and the results make me feel like i found a kind of "cheat" for entering the traditional art media game without having to actually change my technique in the first place! still don't know what i will be using this for, but i'm excited about the possibilities.
TECHNOLOGY IS INCREDIBLE!
i obsess so much over writing clean code, to the point of rewriting entire systems just to make them more human-readable. then i see some professional code, made by people who were paid to write it, and its always a complete mess and the comments are filled with excuses and reasons for their code to be crappy, and… they're right. i envy them for not giving a crap, i wish i could just write ugly code too…